Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
