I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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