Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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