my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
