I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
