the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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