I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
