I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
why do cheetos always look like penises
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
