I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
