Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
