i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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