My sheets look like a crime scene.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
