cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
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