I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
