Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
