You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
