Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
