I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
