Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
