I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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