I only kidnapped one of them. chill
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
