He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
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