I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
