She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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