First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
