i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
