im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
