the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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