Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize