brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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