she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I still have a little drunk in my system
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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