i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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