U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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