Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
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