Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
We got so high we made milksteak
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
