he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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