If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
