so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
