im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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