No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
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