R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
