Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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