# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
