im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
