Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
