I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
