Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
