Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I should be sponsored by Trojan
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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