Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
