i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
