So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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