I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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