his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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