Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
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