Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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