So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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