Pants 0. Shit 1.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
