I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize